What would you do if someone projectile vomited in your face or you had to scoop up a turd the size of Moby Dick? These 35 comical birthing stories will have you spitting out your coffee and running to the restroom. Many of the women that you'll read about don't even remember these experiences, but wanted to dig their heads in the sand upon learning what happened.
As embarrassing as they may have been at the time, these experiences are here for our enjoyment. Take a look at the funny things these women have experienced.
The Little Foghorn That Could
One woman told us about a time when, while in labor with her son, she tried to warn her doctor that thought she had gas. He repeatedly brushed off her concerns as one thing or another and encouraged her to keep pushing. According to him, what she was feeling was must have simply been pressure from the baby. Lo and behold, that doctor should have listened because what happened next must have felt like a foghorn.
During labor, obstetricians (doctors who specialize in childbirth, pregnancy, and the female reproductive system) need to place their fingers inside of a woman's cervix to determine whether or not the cervix has become wide enough for the baby to come through. While this woman's doctor was knelt in front of her open legs, fingers inside to check whether or not she was dilated enough, this woman let out a rip so powerful that it sounded like a tugboat pulling into harbor and must have felt like it too.
Hugh Gives a Fan Special Gift
This thirsty mama has a spicier story to tell. As we are all very much aware, labor can be incredibly painful. To relieve some of this inevitable pain, the nurses in the birthing ward, after checking the mother can receive them, will offer various medications. For some people, these medications can cause a myriad of side effects including drowsiness, nausea, vomiting, itching -- and in this woman's case -- full-on delirium. Check out just what those medications did to her.
The medications given to this mama (with particularly good taste in men, might we add) had such a strong effect on her that they knocked her out cold whenever she wasn't contracting. During one of these naps, the soon-to-be mother dreamt that she was at the movies with her husband. The film that they were seeing starred Hugh Jackman, buff and stark naked (as God intended it) in the opening scene. Upon waking up from this tantalizing dream, the lustful mama shouted "Hugh Jackman naked!" As if she needed another reason to have a fire in her loins.
McGonagall Would Be Proud
JK Rowling, who has been called both a brilliant and a controversial writer, has created a fictional empire that has entranced millions of people around the world, for decades now. Her fans refuse to give up the infatuating young protagonists of the series: Harry, Ron, and Hermione. Nor do they want to give up the enchanting fantasy of a life in a world of witches and wizards. So much so, that the Harry Potter franchise has grossed over $16.6 Billion worldwide and has thousands of fanmade spinoff franchises that include a music rock genre dedicated entirely to Harry Potter, Harry Potter fan fiction, and a Harry Potter fan convention by the name of Leakycon -- still going strong after 12 years.
One mother, a lifelong Harry Potter fan, discovered a very special trick to getting her through the pain of labor. It is common for obstetricians to suggest Lamaze, a method of childbirth that involves psychological and physical preparation in various techniques (such as controlled breathing and alternative birthing positions) in order to reduce pain and facilitate delivery without unnecessary medical intervention. This particular patient decided to forgo the mundane way of doing things and to make things a little more ... magical ... by reciting passages from one of her favorite Harry Potter books! That is one dedicated fan. Here's hoping she learned a lesson from Harry and didn't name her child Severus!
Scary Kids Scaring Kids
We've all sung at the top of our lungs in a car, jamming out to our favorite music and entirely unaware of our surroundings, only to look over and find that the person in the car next to us was watching the whole thing! Even worse, we've all finished jamming out to find that the people in the car next to us were laughing at us. A stark reminder that we are, in fact, not the next winner of American Idol. Humbling, indeed.
This poor mama has a slightly different story to tell. When she and her partner discovered that she was going into labor, they booked it to the car and rushed to the hospital, only to get stuck behind a school bus! Mom was so engrossed in the pain of her contractions that she didn't realize that the school bus in front of her was chock full of children watching her scream at the top of her lungs for minutes on end! If that isn't an advertisement for contraceptives, nothing is.
The Mailman Always Rings Twice
We've all heard the joke about the wife and the mailman, the wife has an affair with the mailman behind the husband's back. He is blissfully unaware until the baby is born and hands him an envelope. As shocking -- and amusing -- as that might be in real life, who would imagine that their spouse would give them ample reason to believe that their spouse might be receiving more than one package from the mailman, much less during labor?
One woman did just that. We can either assume that this mysterious mama has one mischievous sense of humor when it comes to her husband, that those medications that we all know can cause a patient to become delirious did indeed cause her to feel a little loopy, or we have one naughty mama on our hands and she really was doing extracurricular activities with the mailman. At every contraction, this mother-to-be repeatedly shouted the name "Joe!" over and over again, even to go so far as saying "The mailman will be so happy". That's some Christmas bonus!
Pack It Up, McDreamy
This funny story had us spitting out our coffee. Oh, the things a good-looking doctor can do to us! As a woman, it can be difficult enough to go to the gyno. Society tells us that we should remove the hair that was given to us down there in order to be more "feminine" and in some cases "hygienic". Luckily for us, doctors don't give a hoot about what's going on down there! They only care that we and our newborns are happy and healthy.
In this woman's defense, if our gynecologists had come in looking like Jason Mamoa or Chris Evans, we would have gotten a little flustered ourselves. Don't say you wouldn't have! This particular woman was preparing herself for labor when what she describes as "the hottest doctor I'd ever seen" came in to check her cervix. As we've learned earlier in the article, when a doctor must check a patient's cervix, they insert their fingers and use that to determine if the baby is ready to come out. No wonder she was flustered! Upon checking the cervix, the patient's doctor remarked, "She's got quite a lot of hair!" Being a little wrapped up in Dr. McDreamy's eyes, our poor mama was ready to flip her lid -- when she realized that he was, in fact, not talking about her hoo-ha and was instead referring to the baby's head.
Expletives for Days
Our next story is a great example of why a lot of parents choose to get to know their obstetricians well before they give birth. Lying down on your back with your knees spread wide is compromising enough, but imagine if you were in that position -- vulnerable as the day is long -- and Gary Busey walks in??? All jokes aside, our next mama probably wished that she could make like the invisible woman and disappear. We know we would.
This mama woke up and chose violence. Every mother animal is ferocious when it comes to her kids, especially when they're giving birth. This fierce mother and her midwife had already gone through previous stages of labor and had already begun pushing, when a strange man wearing a cardigan and cargo shorts -- not something most of us would expect our doctors to be wearing they walk in -- and freaked out, yelling "get the [bleep] out old man!" Her midwife (likely containing her laughter) then informed her that the man in the cargo shorts was, in fact, her obstetrician. We're sure he forgave her before the baby was born.
D: I Won't Do Drugs
Ah, the euphoric and dangerous effects of opioids. Fentanyl is a synthetic drug that is similar to morphine but is 50 to 100 times more potent. Its effects can include extreme happiness, drowsiness, nausea, constipation, and confusion. Its more dangerous effects can include problems breathing, unconsciousness, and addiction. Luckily, this next mama had a team of expert doctors and nurses surrounding her to protect her from fentanyl's adverse effects. They couldn't, however, stop her from getting her groove on in fentanyl city.
This particular mother didn't want to be given drugs, but presumably gave in as her contractions got more and more painful. Enduring the famously intense process of labor, one woman, who would soon be blessed with her very first child of her own and who was decidedly out of it due to the fentanyl, said to her husband who stood alongside her, "I don't like the drugs, but the drugs like me." Truer words have never been spoken, my love. Don't do drugs, kids.
The Hallway of Success
Demerol is another synthetic drug designed to lessen severe pain caused by things like childbirth and surgery. Its effects can include muscle movements that you can't control, drowsiness, mood changes, and confusion. These are some of the less dangerous side effects. Oh, the things we must do to bring our babies into this world! Our next story consists of a woman engaging in what might have been one of the most embarrassing moments of her young life! Think, coming to school without your pants, but this time it's a hospital and you didn't come with anything else either.
Do the most embarrassing moments always happen when we're giving birth to our first child? Given the stories we've heard so far, it certainly seems so. Our next mother doesn't even remember the embarrassing thing that she did -- and maybe it's for the best! While at the hospital getting ready to birth her first child, this new mother-to-be was given a dose of Demerol, a drug that can really knock you out. This drug had such an intense effect on her that she ended up taking a stroll down the birthing ward hallway without any clothes on at all! She had no idea that it had happened until her brother-in-law told her about it. Imagine your brother-in-law seeing you walk, pregnant and naked, down a hospital hallway! We'll bet she's never lived that down. She'll never forget that day for more reasons than one.
They Don't Make Walls Like They Used to
Home births are a popular decision among many mothers. Home births have many benefits including the ability to give birth surrounded by your family and friends, freedom to do things like take a shower and cook a meal, and they allow parents to have more control over birth decisions. Home births have also a myriad of risks that can include things like an increased risk for neonatal seizures, fetal malposition, and postpartum hemorrhage. Nonetheless, many mothers feel that a home birth is the healthiest decision for them and their families. If one has neighbors, however, there's always the risk that they'll send Andy Griffith your way for making too much noise. Everybody's a critic.
One is often wary of noise complaints from neighbors, whether we're watching tv or having a meal with friends. When one lives in an apartment building, that possibility increases tenfold. People just don't make walls like they used to. This poor woman had been intent on making her child's birth as easy as possible by giving birth in the comfort of her third-floor apartment. The baby had just started to crown when there was a knock on the door. Her neighbors had called the cops to complain about the noise! Not very neighborly.
The Thief at Midnight
Some parents decide to opt out of painkillers during labor. Whether or not this particular mother decided to opt out is unclear, but we do know that, like for many mothers, the struggle was almost too much to bear. Remember that episode of Friends where Phoebe suggested that Rachel ask Frank and Alice if Phoebe could take one of the babies? This young mother had had quite enough of the struggles of labor and came up with one heck of a risky plan to get her out of it. We're in, if you're in!
This exhausted mother had been in labor for so long and was likely in so much pain, that at one point she realized that she just couldn't suffer a moment longer. Painkillers, while potent, can't prevent all discomfort and are likely to wear off before the baby is born. Mama threw caution to the wind, turned to her husband, and said, "I can't do this anymore. Let's go home." When he asked, "What about the baby?" she suggested that they simply oust one from the hospital nursery. The way that they display newborns behind those glass windows, they certainly seem up for grabs! For legal purposes, we never said this.
In a Galaxy Far Far Away
We've already learned about the possible side effects of Demerol. They range from relatively mild symptoms such as nausea and drowsiness to more concerning side effects such as confusion and seizures. One woman learned the hard way that this commonly used synthetic drug causes her to see and feel things that aren't there. If only those things were Michael B. Jordan or the entirety of the popular boyband, BTS. Sure would make labor a lot more interesting! What to do with the husband is still up for debate.
Imagine giving birth on a cold and barren planet, millions of miles away from the world you grew to know and love. This may happen sooner rather than later if Elon Musk and the team at Space X have their way. This imaginative mother was already lightyears ahead of us. One particularly strong dose of Demerol sent her off to planet far, far away, leaving her husband, her doctor, her nurses, and the rest of us stuck here on planet Earth. She found out later, after coming back down, that she had dazedly grabbed her husband's arm, earnestly informing him that they must leave their new planet, as it had gone barren. Mother knows best.
Dear Lord, Kill Me Now
Our next story can be interpreted in one of two ways: relatably hysterical or just plain heartbreaking! We'll go with relatably hysterical as our next lighthearted mama clearly finds her story to be an amusing one to tell at the dinner table for years to come! Moms have said some of the craziest things while giving birth, from telling her nurse that she "shouldn't be a lesbian" (as she was too rough when breaking her patient's water) to arguing with her doctor as to whether or not "poop" was a real word. In his defense, he was still learning English!
Moms are some of the strongest creatures on the planet. You don't want to mess with a mother animal giving birth in the wild -- as they're likely to send you back to the womb! This is true for humans, as well. Tick off a mom while she's in labor and you may find yourself wishing for your own mother! One poor woman had had enough of her suffering and screamed at her nurses, "just euthanize me!" The jury's still out on whether they took her up on her offer.
All the Best People Are Crazy
At this point, should we just start filming ourselves in our drug-induced delirium while giving birth? Apparently, the drugs our doctors give us quite remarkably give free rein to the imagination. Even an epidural (the well-known anesthetic that is often offered to patients during labor or before surgery) can cause delusion! Assuming we could get other moms to sign off on it, we could group together our funny videos and pitch them as a pilot to ABC titled "Lord, Kill Me Now".
After the effects of her epidural had kicked in, one young mother, in what must have been a state of pleasant delirium, dizzily turned to her mother and asked, "Is that you? You go to tell me what lotion you use!" She had been rubbing her own thigh, much to the amusement of family. Her mother, all the way across the room, laughed so hard that she almost peed herself. Whoa, there Nelly; we don't need two moms wetting themselves!
Moms Are People Too
We often forget that our mothers had to go through the process of labor themselves, despite the numerous times they remind us, saying things like "I brought you into this world; I can take you out!" or "I was in labor with you for ten hours, the least you could do is do the dishes!" Listen Mom, both Sue Johanson and Trojan warned us of the consequences of a lack of contraceptives. Don't blame us! You can, however, blame us for the photos of Lenny Kravitz and Enrique Iglesias we had hidden under our mattresses.
This young mother didn't realize when her husband left her side and her mother, the soon-to-be grandmother, took his place in order to give the tired father a break. As a particularly bad contraction took hold of the young mom, her mother attempted to comfort her, telling her that the contraction would be over soon and that everything would be all right. As caring a statement as that can be, we can be hard-pressed to appreciate it in the moment. The poor thing must have shot her mom a look that could kill as she shouted "You have no idea what this feels like!" All riiight, Mom. We know.
Baby's First Waterpark
We're told from childhood that childbirth is one of the most difficult and painful experiences in the world. Painless deliveries sound like something made up for a CW show or an anecdote that spreads around a group of friends -- a friend of a friend knows this one lady who felt hardly any pain and was in and out of the hospital in a couple of hours. Begrudgingly enough, some of these stories are true! A handful of beautifully blessed people seem to have won the birthing lottery.
Once the luckiest mom in the world had reached ten centimeters, her nurse informed her that she should holler should she start to feel significant pain. She was ready to do as she was told when, instead of pain, she felt a great pressure and reached down only to find the top of her baby's head crowning away! She barely had enough time to call the nurse when the entire baby came sliding out afterward. Like a nanny at Six Flags Waterpark -- she had to catch the baby with her bare hands. Talk about a wild ride!
What I Did for Love
Speaking of world records, we all dream of being the best at something, but who would have thought that it would be at defecating? It has been mentioned in many a teen drama, the polished popular girl fretfully describing to her friends one of the more embarrassing aspects of labor -- explaining just why she has no intention of ever giving birth. "You can even poop yourself," she whispers in a horrified manner much to the amusement of the audience. We're sure our next mother never thought that she would poop so much.
It truly is true love when one can watch their partner empty their bowels, push after push, and still beg their partner for some afternoon delight -- at least that's what men's magazines in the early 2000s would say. In reality, childbirth was never meant to aesthetically pleasing but is instead a feat that only the strongest of creatures can endure. Our next mama gave it her all during the birth of her child - and a lot more. Ah, the stench of success.
Till the Cows Come Home
There are myriads of sounds that people might want to hear during labor, in addition to the myriads of sounds that people might make during labor. These noises can range from a low "om" to the raw and feral roar of a lion. One woman even had her husband play the didgeridoo against her belly. She said that she found it incredibly comforting. Whatever works, that's for sure! The next story isn't so much embarrassing as it is amusing. Whatever gets the job done, babe!
We're often encouraged by our doctors and nurses to do breathing exercises during labor to help relax our muscles and to make sure that we're getting enough oxygen. These exercises often include humming on a low "om" or "mm". One particular mother went the whole nine yards as she dealt with contraction after contraction. During a particularly bad contraction, her "mm" eventually turned to a full-on "moooo"! She was embarrassed, but why should she be?! Get ya moo on girl.
Nancy Drew and the Wheelchair Theft
When it comes to the birthing Olympics, some babies take the cake. They say, "I've had quite enough of this cave; it's time for me to blow this joint", or whatever the babies are saying these days! Bear with us. We haven't had our morning coffee yet. We're taught that labor generally takes hours, that we'll be in for a mountain of pain, and that we'll be lucky if we don't have to get a cesarean. We're certainly never warned that we might have to hold the baby in to make sure that it doesn't plop onto the floor of our vehicle! We'd never get the stains out.
Despite our next mother's efforts, her baby started to crown as she attempted to go to the bathroom! She booked it to the car as her body continued to push on its own, the poor woman praying that her baby wouldn't be born in the car. When she and her husband got to the birthing center, the man stole a wheelchair from an elderly man like a character from Seinfeld! There are consequences for our actions, my friends. When they got inside, her husband wheeled her inside the nearest room and she gave birth standing up, presumedly before the nurses even got there! And the award goes too... baby, for the 10-centimeter dash!
See Blood, Will Travel
There are plenty of myths surrounding women and blood, all of which are false. According to Pacific Standard Magazine, one such myth -- the myth that menstrual blood is something to feared came from women themselves! Such a taboo is said to have been created to strike fear into the hearts of their male counterparts, likely for protection and to gain status and respect in their communities. Today, women are still trying to gain respect in their communities, but we've moved away from using blood to strike fear into the hearts of men. Maybe we should take it up again.
Another myth, one mostly lacking in logic, says that women are fearful of blood and will faint at the sight of it. Such is a trope that has been reiterated throughout popular culture, in movies and television, books and magazines. A person with an active uterus will see more blood in their lifetime than a person without one could possibly imagine! This truth makes the aforementioned myth even less likely. Nonetheless, every once in a while, we come across the exception to the rule, and in this story, a soon-to-be aunt almost cracks her head open upon seeing her nephew get blood drawn! That's one way to introduce your nephew to the story of Moses! Oy vey.
Be Careful What You Wish For
Judging from our next story, one would think that quick births were more common than not! According to a wide variety of sources, labor, on average, can last anywhere from 4 to 12 hours. At times ever longer! This young mother likely expected her child's birth to take much longer than it did, considering the fact that she had been in the most uncomfortable labor stages since the night before! Much to her and her husband's surprise, that baby came out before she could say, "one, two, three, go!".
At ten minutes apart and two centimeters dilated, a wife and husband made their way to the hospital, excited to meet their baby girl. They were instructed to turn right around and head back home -- unfortunately -- as the new mom's contractions were not yet close enough together. She and her husband spent a long night waiting for her contractions to get their butts in order when she decided she'd had enough and had her husband call the midwife. No sooner had he dialed when she felt the baby sprinting out of the womb! The baby was born under a span of four minutes and her father had to tie the umbilical cord with a shoestring. Be careful what you wish for!
Worse Things Have Happened
Obstetrician-gynecologists have seen all sorts of things in their offices: from a newly sexually active elderly woman producing a 12-inch strap-on from her bag, a woman with three breasts (all full of milk), to a man who was so sensitive to his wife's epidural needle that he vomited and had a bowel movement all over the floor. Needless to say, there's no reason to be embarrassed when one's body does a certain thing in front of -- or on -- the gyno. It happens. They're used to it. While one should do what they can to avoid spraying bodily fluids onto other human beings, in regular life, one cannot be held responsible for what their body does while they're in labor!
During sexual intercourse, air can get trapped between the penis and vagina, resulting in what we call a queef. It sounds and feels similar to a fart, except it's coming from the female genital organs. During labor, a baby is coming out of that area, and we have to do a whole lot of pushing to get that baby out. Of course, there will be other things coming out with it. It's unavoidable. After her baby was born, one woman ended up farting on her OBGYN. C'est la vie. Such is life! We guarantee that her doctor has seen much worse.
P Is for Poo
When you have to go, you have to go! There's nothing one can do about having a bowel movement while pushing -- or even farting on one's gyno. As we've said before, you're trying to push a human being out of your body! Other things are bound to come out with it. While we're sure that most mothers would prefer to have a pleasant and mess-free delivery, sometimes you've got to go with the, um -- flow. Ba dum tiss.
After days of labor, it was finally time to push for this young mother. She had been constipated for days on end, and this was the moment when her body finally decided that it was ready to -- unleash. She attempted to tell her nurses that she had to relieve herself, but they insisted that it was time to push, as she continued to reiterate that she needed to defecate. Finally, after much back-and-forth, she screamed at the top of her lungs, "BUT, I HAVE TO POOOOOP!!!" No word on if she ever did.
Too Close for Comfort
For some men, their worst nightmare involves their male friends catching a glimpse of their wife's breasts. Whether or not this is during breastfeeding is irrelevant. In many other present-day societies, and way back in the day for all of us, breasts were simply a means of feeding our offspring. They were not considered to be sexual in any way. Fast forward to the present, and one's husband is likely to clock his best friend for staring at his wife's chest for too long! Our next story involves a husband who likely had to practice a great deal of restraint. Practice makes perfect, my friend.
As we know, morphine can cause numerous side effects, including delirium. As mom was wheeled out of the delivery room in a morphine-induced haze, she broke out one of the twins to feed her newborn son. Unbeknownst to her, her husband's frat brothers were in the hall and saw -- everything! The quick-thinking dad immediately suggested that he and his friend get a bite to eat in the cafeteria, while the joyful new mom dazedly continued to feed her son. Do whatcha gotta do, Mom!
Don't Scare the Nurse!
Ah, the psychedelic effects of epidurals. They can cause a person to feel pleasantly euphoric or send them into a state of unbridled frenzy. They can even result in a loss of bladder control. The symptoms that might arise are specific to each individual, though scientists are steadily working to reduce side effects so that, one day, we can lessen and prevent pain without any adverse effects at all. Sometimes soon is not soon enough, as our next story involves a woman falling completely apart in front of her concerned nurse -- for seemingly no reason at all!
While getting an epidural before the birth of her second child, one expressive madam had a full-on breakdown in front of her nurse. The nurse was so concerned about this unprompted meltdown that she immediately jumped into crisis mode and asked her a series of questions designed to determine if a patient is in a healthy state of mind. Everything must have been fine, as our theatrical young mother remembers every detail and felt quite sheepish afterward! Hey, we've all been there. As Fred Rodgers would say, "It's okay to have feelings."
Get Tested, Kids
Ever had someone talk to you about your genital health in front of a room full of people? It sounds like a nightmare, but a great many of us have at the very least had a nurse, parent, or even a partner in the room. The normalcy of such an experience ought to relieve us of any shame surrounding sexual health, but nonetheless -- talk surrounding that area can still make us feel incredibly squeamish! Never fear, your unabashed birthing team is here!
We've never had someone explain to us, unprovoked, that we had, in fact, NOT given them an STD, but we suppose it would be a nice thing to hear even in a room full of people. Right? Right? This poor mama was still being stitched up from her C-section, after the birth of her very first child, when a nurse walked over to inform her that: during the surgery, some of the patient's blood had squirted -- plop -- into her eye. They ran tests on the blood, and all was well. She neither had STDs nor any other type of infection. Gee, thanks?
C Is for Consent
Boundaries: ladies and germs! That's all we're asking for. Autonomy when it comes to children and even children-in-law can be a controversial topic. Where do we draw the line when it comes to our parents or parents-in-law? Will they understand our need for boundaries, or will they take the existence of such boundaries as disrespect? We think that most people would agree that when mama still has her legs wide open in stirrups, her private area looking like a bloody warzone, it might be best to wait for permission. Right, Meemaw?
Directly after giving birth, this flustered mama was still strapped into her stirrups, privates torn and bloody for the world to see, attempting to greet her newborn son -- when her mother-in-law who was overcome with excitement, burst into the room, sending her daughter into a whirlwind of mortification. She had heard her new grandchild crying, after taking his very first breath of air, and just couldn't contain herself. The birth of a new grandchild is something that many grandparents dream of during their lifetimes. We'll give you a pass this time, Grams!
Nice to Meet You!
Home births have been increasing steadily here in the US, with a nearly 80 percent increase from 2004 to 2017. The global pandemic has caused yet another increase, as parents opt to find a birthing option that will allow them to have the support of family and friends and a safe space away from possible infection from strangers. Home births have a myriad of pros and cons, one of the cons being that one has to deal with possible run-ins with neighbors! It's worth it to meet your child in the safety of your own home!
Our next story involves a young woman and her very first home birth. Labor had been moving along much quicker than she and her husband had expected, but the midwife had not yet arrived. The young husband fervently threw open the door to see if the midwife had made it, while his wife continued to howl in pain behind him. He looked out only to see their potential new neighbors inspecting the house across the street. They likely heard every wail and wondered just what kind of neighborhood they were considering moving to. Well, that's one way to introduce yourself to your new neighbors!
The Great Brown Whale
Eek! It's common to fear defecating during delivery, but what about defecation that you didn't even know about? Parents of young children are familiar with the phenomenon that is floating poo, and likely do everything in their power to teach their children to go before they step foot in the tub. Children aren't always successful, however, at gauging when it is they have to go and when they don't, which results in a patient, or not so patient, parent having to scoop floaters out of the tub -- sometimes with their bare hands. Oh, the things we do for love!
This particular floating mama had decided to have a tub birth at home. Like many parents, she was terrified about what would happen if she pooped during delivery. Would she have a great brown whale situation on her hands? We'll be here all week. Her midwife tried to comfort her, explaining that defecation during delivery was a natural thing and that she should be focusing on having a safe delivery. That's all well in good when you haven't witnessed your midwife scoop a giant turd out of the water you're sitting in as if she were Captain Ahab and it was Moby Dick!
Modest Martha Steps up to the Plate
Many women choose to be modest when it comes to what they wear in today's progressive world and more power to them! Whether it be modesty or full-on bodily freedom, it's the ability to choose that matters. Many a woman chooses to cover herself in public and around people that aren't female members of her immediate family. One woman even chose to remain covered even as she gave birth in a tub! We love a committed woman! Fight the power, girl.
This shy young woman was so adamant about keeping herself covered that she had begun to gain a reputation among friends, one for which they often teased her. She never wanted to show skin -- which was perfectly within her rights! When it came time for her home birth, she remained steadfast about her principles and declined to get naked. Unfortunately, during delivery, her newborn son became stuck around his shoulders and the midwives were desperate to get him out. They suggested that hubby come over to stimulate a nipple in hopes that that would cause a contraction. The idea of such a thing happening in a room full of people was so terrifying that mom pushed that baby out in one go! Go, Mom.
What Do Dolphins Say When They're in Love?
If one didn't know better, they would think that the painkillers administered during delivery were the recreational drugs of the day, considering the way that they can cause all sorts of psychotic effects. As wild as the effects of these painkillers can be, one must commend those who go through labor without them, whether voluntarily or involuntarily! The mother below had to endure most of her labor at home -- without any painkillers at all -- due to a heavy snowstorm. Luckily, she had her husband there by her side to comfort her through the process.
When they had finally made it to the hospital, her contractions decided to speed up, causing her child to come quicker than she had expected! A superheroine, she gave birth to a newborn baby without any help from anesthetics. They did, however, decide to kick in while she was being sewn up (thank goodness!), causing her to hallucinate that she and the rest of the room were surrounded by dolphins. "I can see dolphins! Can you see them?" she asked her husband. No word on if he saw them too.
There's a Pain in Me Butt
According to The Lancet medical journal, about three to four percent of births involve a breeched baby. A baby is considered breeched when they are positioned feet down towards the vaginal canal. In those situations, a doctor, nurse, or midwife must attempt to reposition the child so that they can come out headfirst. In general, a planned cesarean is recommended in order to allow for safe delivery. The risks of attempting a vaginal birth with a breeched baby include the possibility of the baby getting stuck in the birth canal and losing access to oxygen through the umbilical cord. No bueno.
Breeched babies can also cause an incredible amount of pain for the mother. Such is true for our next mother as she attempted to survive labor with a breeched child. She had spent the majority of labor on her back, and by the moment it was time for the baby to be born, she had had quite enough! She hollered at the doctor to "push her back in," musing that it felt like she had a baby coming out of her butt. A "butt baby" indeed!
Take Care Of Yourself
There is a term called "labor pains" with which we're all familiar. It describes the phenomenon in which a person close to a person in labor will start to feel pains out of empathy. Another term for this experience is "sympathy pains". It certainly is endearing when a father seemingly cares about his partner so much that he ends up experiencing physical distress simply from watching a loved one! Our next father was so sympathetic to the plight of his young child that he lost consciousness entirely!
After a grueling 24 hours, the medical team had finally decided to induce labor! A cesarean section was ordered, resulting in a successful delivery and the birth of a beautiful baby boy. Unfortunately, the poor child looked a little worse for wear, and when his tired father laid eyes on him, he passed out cold on the floor. What an entrance! Way to arrive with a bang! Dad certainly knows now, that for next time, Dad should make sure to be empathetic to himself -- just as much as he empathizes with his loved ones.
The Exorcism of Projectile Peggy
Some lucky (or unlucky -- depending on how you look at it) mothers don't experience any psychedelic effects when given anesthetics or synthetic opioids, though their painkillers do severely reduce or prevent pain, the way that they were designed to do. We're rarely safe from any side effects at all, however, as one nurse out there knows all too well! I wonder if she ever got rid of the scent? Nurses have seen -- and felt -- it all, but even nurses aren't exempt from involuntary bodily reactions!
One lucky mother insists that she didn't have any psychotic experiences -- that she was told about anyhow -- but she did have one very strong bodily reaction to her epidural, one which both her nurse and her husband will be likely to remember for decades! During labor, she projectile vomited directly into her nurse's face. Understandably her nurse bolted from the room, never to return. The guilt-ridden mama had no idea that it had happened until her husband told her. Whatcha gonna do? Mothers cannot be held responsible for what they do during labor.
Do Whatcha Gotta Do!
We've heard of mothers mooing till the cows come home, hollering curse words at the medical staff, insisting that they see dolphins, and even engaging in more mundane Lamaze practices such as "mms" and "oms". But, howling like a wolf? That's less common -- and likely a lot more fun! Hey, we do what we can when we're in labor just as we do what we can when it comes to the safety of our children. Maybe if we howl loud enough Taylor Lautner will come out of wherever he's been hiding.
Our last anecdote tells the story of a woman who was simply trying to be an A for Effort mom. As she labored through childbirth, she implemented the breathing techniques that we've come to know and love. Childbirth can cause our bodies to do things that we didn't mean for it to do, however. Though she meticulously implemented those breathing techniques, her body took over and -- during what was likely a particularly strong contraction -- she howled like a wolf. Taylor, where you at?